The Onigiri Conspiracy
by Black Lightning Bulb
Summary: Based off the conversation between Ikkaku and Yumichika in episode 116 about the onigiri wrapping.  No spoilers.


I thought how funny it was that Ikkaku and Yumichika were so confused by the wrapped onigiri and thought it was a conspiracy, based off episode 116

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The Onigiri Conspiracy

"Don't you think this a bit strange, Yumichika?" Ikkaku asked, staring at the silver wrapped triangle.

"What is?" Yumichika asked. He wasn't really paying attention. He had actually stared at his package for quite sometime before eating it. The material was so shiny and smooth, and it was wrapped so nicely. Even the sticky seal was cute, in its own brightly colored way.

"This. This wrapped up onigiri. It's wrapped up too nicely. Its finger food, but the packaging's way too complex. And there were so many of them lined up all nicely in that store. When we asked the clerk about them, she said that they got several shipments of them a day. That's freakin' crazy! I don't think that clerk has the skills to do this. I think there is someone pulling the strings from behind."

"How ironic. I was just thinking the same exact thing." Yumichika lied, even if he had thought it fleetingly earlier. He had also thought the girl who they had asked the questions to had very nice hair, in a very horrible style. Pilled messily on top of her head, how disgusting.

Yumichika voiced his thought on the hair disaster, which made Ikkaku snort. "Neh feather brain, focus. These things. There is obviously something that we are missing."

Yumichika nodded silently, and then stiffened, dropping the wrapper. "Ikkaku, we are about to get some unwelcome company." And moments later battle had begun.

After battling and Ikkaku going bankai, and settling into (forcibly taking over through embezzlement) the Asano household, Ikkaku and Yumichika were sitting on the roof. Again. Gazing in wonder at the little wrapped parcels of onigiri. Again. "Damn it Yumichika, it ain't right!" Ikkaku suddenly yelled, throwing the onigiri sailing into the air.

"Fine then." Yumichika said, sick of his money being wasted with Ikkaku's violent throwing urges. "Tomorrow morning we'll go and stakeout the shop."

onigiri

Yumichika didn't bother sleeping, because honestly while he could look good under any stress he didn't want to deal with putting his feathers on at whatever ridiculous time Ikkaku decided they needed to leave. The ridiculous time of choice was 3:39 am. On the dot. "Why 3:39 Ikkaku?" Yumichika whined. "Its not an even number, not even close to pretty!"

"Shut up bird brains, we go when I say we go. So I say we go." Ikkaku snapped.

"Why do I have to go again?" Keigo whined, letting out a large yawn. He saw Ikkaku glaring and took a step back out of fear. "Right, someone needs to keep watch while you all keep watch." He repeated quickly, holding his arms up in protection and shaking. "Please don't kill me." He squeaked.

Yumichika sighed, "We are not killing anyone." He pursed his lips. "Then again, the day is young."

So the motley crew made there way towards the local grocery store. Ikkaku felt the need to use flash steps, moving like James Bond on crack. Yumichika followed along, trying very hard to look pretty while dragging Asano's sleeping body. When they arrived Ikkaku hopped up on to the house across the street from the shop. Yumichika glared, debating whether to just throw Keigo's body up there. "Ikkaku," Yumichika whispered. "Get your ass down here and take this dead weight."

Ikkaku sighed, hopping back down to the street and taking Keigo from Yumichika. "Shit! What the heck does this guy do? Just eat all the time." He grunted, and hopped up again, followed by a very graceful Yumichika. "And now we wait for a sign."

And an hour later they got it. Ikkaku spotted movement outside the shop. He started jumping up and down in excitement waking Yumichika. "Get up you lazy bum. Something is happening."

Before Yumichika could add his two cents on the situation Ikkaku was jumping down. He looked over at Keigo, and deciding that he wasn't about to roll off the roof in his sleep anytime soon, followed his shiny headed friend. "What is going on?"

"They're loading them into the store." Ikkaku said, still walking. He saw the loading men and called out "OI! Hey you!" One of the loading men looked up, looked to his left and his right then pointed at himself. "Yeah you! What operation are you trying to cover up?"

"So tactless." Yumichika muttered to himself.

"I-I don't know wha-what y-y-you are talking a-b-b-bout." The kid managed to stumble out.

"Don't lie brat!" A flash step later he was right by him, holding his wooden sword to his neck. He had attracted the attention of the other loaders now, who were either (A) confused, (B) scared, or (C) a combination of both. "I know you all must be running something. Nothing could be this neat," He said, pulling out a packaged onigiri out of no where, "without having something illegal in them."

"Dude we really aren't doing anything illegal!" One of them yelled.

There was a car door slam and a small girl hopped out of the truck, carrying a wooden bat. "Hey baldy, stop being such a little whiny bitch. If you don't like the packaging don't buy them. So get your grubby, make up wearing, bald headed hands off of my baby brother you ass hole."

"Oh if you weren't so hostile you would be quite beautiful." Yumichika said, a frown on his face.

Ikkaku glared at the girl. "Why don't you tell me the truth?" He said accusingly.

"I Minamoto Midori Miyagami do not lie you FUCKING ASS HOLE!" She said, yelling the last bits.

Now Keigo had been asleep quite quietly on the roof until she had yelled. And after waking up and seeing that he was on a roof, he was surprised he didn't yell. He looked around hurriedly for a way down spotted Minamoto. Minamoto, his sister's idol. She was the toughest girl in school. Scratch that, in town. No that isn't even close; in all of Japan. She could beat down Tatsuki with her eyes closed.

"Shit." Because he knew what would happen if he let baldy die. He would be dead. His sister didn't like people she took a fancy to dying. So after some quick, and very impressive, acrobatics he landed on the streets and ran into the alley. "MINAMOTO PLEASE DON'T KILL HIM!" Keigo shouted.

"What?" Minamoto asked.

"EXCUSE ME!" Ikkaku yelled. "HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT A WOMAN WHO HAS NO TECHNICAL TRAINING COULD EVEN LAND A BLOW ON ME?"

Minamoto growled. "What did you just say?"

onigiri

"Please don't kill me." Keigo pleaded, supporting Ikkaku. "I brought him back in one piece."

"MY SHINY HEADED PRINCE!" Mizuho sobbed. "I am killing you later for not taking better care of him."

"Great." Keigo sighed.

Yumichika smiled. "Don't worry my ugly duckling. We will sort this all out."

onigiri

"So you were beaten up after an onigiri was wrapped to nicely?" Ichigo asked, trying to make sure he got this down straight.

Ikkaku nodded. He couldn't speak; every part of his body was covered in bandages.

"And you," Ichigo said, pointing to Keigo, "were beaten up after letting him get beaten up."

Keigo nodded, glaring at Ikkaku. "You've seen her when she gets mad. I couldn't protect myself."

Ichigo nodded, but Muzuiro couldn't help himself. "So why are you unscathed Yumichika-kun?"

Yumichika laughed. "It's quite simple my young friend. I'm far to beautiful to be hit by anyone."

"He's lying! He said he would give Minamoto a make over!" Keigo exclaimed.

"Wait," Rukia said, looking confused. "So did you figure out the conspiracy?"

"No." Ikkaku said his voice muffled. Under his bandages there was a steely determined glint in his eyes. His fists would have curled if his hands weren't in a casts. If you had any knowledge that the spirit world existed, or could barely feel it, you could feel his reiatsu rise to terrifying heights. "But I will if it's the last thing I do."

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The end. I might make a sequel if I get bored and have nothing to write. R&R, and I will do the same to your stories. 


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